“Loving Myself Through my Process vs. Pushing Myself to Achieve

                                                       

Twin Flame Journey: Year 13 AKA Year of the 4’s….

I did turn 40 this year and 4’s have been EVERYWHERE. 

It has been 13 years since my awareness of "something" shifting me to wake up (awakening #1).

Generally, the number 4 means practical, orderly, patient, logical, hard-working, loyal, builder, steadfast, frugal, responsible, earthy, planner, materially creative, green thumb, even tempered. (https://www.spiritual-path.com/numerology.htm)

“Loving myself through my process vs. pushing myself to achieve.”

The contrast has been showing up everywhere in the process of letting go. What does each look like and why is it so important right now? I think it has to do with coming into balance/union with myself. This is my experience, of course, so take what resonates for you and toss the rest. 

(Feminine) Loving myself through my own process- 

1) Intuitively driven and the drive to move forward comes from intuition, joy, passion, and solely from within. 
2) Slow and deliberate and takes into account things that come up creating flexibility and flow. 
3) It’s ok to have feelings and thoughts that seem to conflict with my goals. Accepting myself and where I am at helps me to let go of resistance. Maybe there is more to learn from feelings/thoughts that are coming up. Maybe I’m still moving too fast and need to be in this space for some unknown (to me) reason. 
4) It’s ok that some days I give effort of only 80% and other days 99%. I am not a machine and taking time to honor myself is important. 
5) It’s ok to make “mistakes” which are really learning opportunities. 
6) Takes into account self care and balance. 
7) Taking time to connect with others feels good and I attract those who nurture and support me (and I give the same to them). 

(Masculine) Pushing myself- 

1) More outwardly focused in that I take on others opinions more and am generally in fight or flight attempting to achieve some goal. I even suppose this is where the voice of my ego is loudest, telling me I am not enough and I am not doing enough. 
2) Very rigid goals where everything must happen in a certain order and by a certain time.
3) I must not dwell on thoughts and feelings that conflict with my goals because that will distract me from what I am trying to achieve. This doesn’t take into account that sometimes things change. Pushing myself seems synonymous to being rigid.
4) I must give 100% all the time or I won’t reach my goal.
5) I am not allowed to screw up and must “be perfect. 
6) Feels stressful because when I’m not doing or creating I feel guilty and think I am lazy. 
7) I have no time to connect with others because goals are more important. 

Take the above with a grain of *wounded place* salt because if all parts were fully healed they may not come across so ...I don't know...nurturing vs. demanding and abusive. Maybe that's the key for what needs healed next in my heart. Maybe I need to step into the wounded masculine within. 

I once felt shamed by one of my spiritual teachers when I said I was doing what I felt like doing to reach my goals. She taunted "how's that going for you?" and then scoffed at me. At the time I felt very confused with how to balance my beast- mode work ethic so that I didn't feel the need to drink to relax (because I'd easily reach burn out that way). Looking back I realize that, for me, I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing in an attempt to be in balance with myself. 13 years ago I was so perplexed on how to reach my goals while at the same time letting go enough to not be a complete spazz with the amount of stress I would feel from attempting to reach my goals. Now I know, it's a matter of fine tuning my vision and doing the next steps (no matter how slow or fast), while at the same time allowing it to happen in it's own time. It's holding on enough to do the work, but letting go enough to know I can't control it all.