Below is part of my process. Maybe you can relate, or it will open your eyes, or you will judge in disgust. It is meant for learning and growth, both for myself and the receiver. I share to “de-stigmatize the messy process of lifelong learning.”
I have unconscious beliefs being uncovered, relating to what I perceive is love. One example: “If I don’t control the situation, I won’t get what I want.”
This implies…
A) I don’t trust I will get it unless I take care of it myself,
B) I don’t trust God or life,
C) Love is something to go after, come hell or high water, and
D) I must control how this is to go.
Even though I am honoring and respecting myself by not getting into an unbalanced relationship again, I still find myself, when overcome with emotions, wanting to be near someone caught in addiction and who isn’t treating me well. And wanting to communicate more right NOW. In my higher self, I can say I want to go slow and deliberate and not put myself in danger, but all fired-up—even from a distance—it’s hard for me to remain there.
It felt similar in the unfortunate loop of my marriage, where instead of leaving when it felt unhealthy, I justified staying, because I thought it was all me and my brokenness and my dysfunction, which was mirrored back to me in our relationship. I thought that if I kept fixing myself, eventually, it had to get better.
Alternately, I’d go the other route and throw myself into attempting to “fix” or change our relationship. I thought that maybe that would make my partner communicate more or be romantic or make an effort in our relationship. It’s the way I attempted to morph myself and others into situations that may not have been a good fit. I’m ready to stop doing that now. Really.
What is pulling me? What subconscious wounds are still at work and that keep me from being okay with being alone, and rather, be in relationships with people who show me they don’t want me?
The list below includes the areas I have considered and worked on over the last months. It’s a pretty good start to make a list for when you find yourself having a hard time letting go of a person or situation.
1) What is your attachment style?
This would be the initial attachment style you developed with whoever was your main caregiver as a newborn. Your attachment style is affected by the emotional, mental, and physical health of said caregiver. Believe it or not, if you’re anxiously attached and unaware, you may still be looking for some outside source of love to prove you’re lovable or worthy of love.
2) Am I expecting another person to do work I must do on my own?
Am I looking at my partner and expecting them to parent me or give me unconditional love and approval that I sought from my parents as a child?
My inner child never got it and is starving for it, so just based on DNA and lack of awareness, the knee-jerk reaction is set up to go and seek it. I must give it to myself, because no one in this world could possibly love me unconditionally.
3) What am I getting out of this remaining how it is?
With every situation or person you choose to interact with, you are getting a need met, affirming unbalanced thoughts, or benefitting in some way**. Or you are otherwise meant to learn a lesson from them and/or the situation, or you would leave it or them behind. This is mostly because life is precious, and so is time. Do you feel your time is precious, or does this situation feed your poor self-esteem?
** Please note, this does NOT include situations where one is put in danger and terrified to leave. This question is for when your physical/mental/emotional self is not in harm’s way, and you are now in a safer and more secure environment and are taking the time to reflect.
4) Am I using this person/connection to distract me from something bigger? Am I self-sabotaging? What about my life purpose and all the learnings from this that are meant for me to grow? Am I getting those lessons? Or am I distracting myself?
These were powerful questions I’ve asked myself for years any time I’m feeling stuck.
5) Am I giving away my power?
Am I doing this in the form of overlooking my values to please this other person so that they will love me? Am I sacrificing parts of myself?
6) Am I addicted to the drama?
I had to ask myself this. Being raised in an environment where there was always conflict made conflict feel normal, so something stable and healthy sometimes feels “boring.”
I can attest to this, as each time I dated a boy who didn’t treat me like dirt, I had zero interest. This was true for me from ages 10 to 21. When I look at my past, I see that my friendships/relationships were full of drama and “he said, she said.” I remember the drama addiction coming up in all my self-work over the years, but I saw a steady decline of it, so I more or less dismissed it.
However, these last 12 months do feel slightly like a soap opera. “Addiction pokes its head out of the surface of the water, but underneath are many layers of unresolved conflict and trauma that the addiction is hiding below the surface. Furthermore, the addiction serves as a maladaptive tool to manage anxiety that is derived from the other layers of unresolved dysfunction.”
For more information about this, check this article out: Addicted to Chaos
7) Is codependency a factor here?
Growing up in an abusive home with an abuser and codependent makes one have to consider this as a factor. I began with the book Codependent No More and have reviewed it many times over the last decade, along with many other resources—both online and in books, workshops, and through Alanon.
What can I do about it? Now that I have all this wisdom about myself and am getting clear on what I do want……..
1) In short, securely attach myself the best I can as an adult.
My lengthy version? Give myself love in whatever form that looks like. Be willing to listen to myself and honor, communicate, and negotiate if what I want seems to go against my values.This means that if I value self-validation, but I’m struggling in a moment and notice I’m wanting someone else who isn’t so healthy for me to validate me, then maybe the compromise could be reaching out to someone who is safe to help me feel validated (even if it is simply my therapist).
Basically, I need to take the next step. Reaching out and asking for that kind of help takes strength like no other. I’ll get there on my own, but ONLY if I’m loving, accepting, and gentle with myself.
2) Change my self-talk and replace my sabotaging thoughts with positive and inspiring words that encourage me.
I began meditation as a daily practice 12 years ago. That began the process of becoming aware of all the ways in which my own thoughts, at times, do not serve me. Besides actively changing my thinking, I also like to listen to podcasts or inspirational talks that resonate with love or make me laugh. It helps me to stay positive during challenging times.
3) Check in with myself daily and take plenty of time for reflection and learning from the life I’m living.
What did I learn today? What did I do today to move toward my goals?
It doesn’t have to be an earth-shattering thing or take up a huge part of my day. Even if it’s not a lot of progress, as long as I step in the direction of my intentional goals, I am tending to my deepest desires.
4) When intense feelings of love for any person come up, I first make sure I am filled up, and as long as it’s genuine, I send energy to those I love.
And at times, I allow it to inspire my writings, ideas for future creative pursuits, or get out my tarot cards and allow my higher self to guide my energy and actions. Feelings are there for a reason and are meant for us to listen to them and hold space for ourselves (or with another if that’s where you are in your journey).
5) Continue to develop healthy connections and attach to those who are secure.
Do it over time and in a way that feels comfortable to all parties. This is a work in progress.
6) Remind myself that by not letting go of this person/situation, I am blocking a potential “new” person/situation from coming in.
By holding on, I could be hindering us both.
7) Remind myself that learning and life and undoing and redoing are processes that don’t provide immediate results.
As I become aware of how to do better, I do. I give myself a break and know I’m doing the best I can and intentionally am not hard on myself. For too many years, I stayed stuck in the abuse cycle, because I was abusing myself. I was addicted not just to the highs—but also to the lows.
8) Daily meditations to call back my power/energies from all the places, people, and situations that no longer serve the highest and greatest good.
9) Forgiveness works for myself and others through Loving Kindness meditations.
This is to let go of the emotions I am holding onto that no longer serve the highest and greatest good for myself and for that person.
Letting go is a process and I’m not afraid to admit it’s taken me since November (now April and also a year to the date this began) to finally get to the point where I am now. I had a lot to learn from this situation and the outcome is I am loving myself more fully and more actively than ever before. I release the need to control how anything is going to go. I will enforce boundaries to protect myself. No more allowing myself to disillusioned by my unmet needs because I am filling my own cup…. I really feel my last lesson to end this cycle is to choose to walk away from abuse even though my heart is screaming for me to connect with him. I realized just now I’ve never done that before. I’ve never been strong enough to walk away while I still felt the intense feelings. I will continue thriving and loving my son, my life, and myself the best way I know how.
Until next time....
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