Being a Mom, Running Away, and Hormones

Posted on November 13, 2014 Being a Mom, Running Away, and Hrmones

I woke up one night panicked. I​forgot to write my blog post. I haven’t sent out a newsletter in ....I’m not sure how long. People who follow me are going to think I am a flake. Do I even know what I want to write about? No one wants to hear what I have to say. Oh my gosh, it’s 1:30. That means I’ve been asleep for 2 hours. I better get back to sleep before I get woken up again. Maybe I should get up and write. I’m a mess. No one wants to hear from me. 

Harsh huh? Negative self talk, pushing myself when I know damn well most nights I average 4-5 hours of sleep if I’m lucky, and worst of all I shoulded all over myself. This is actually pretty mild compared to what I wake up thinking sometimes. The scariest of the thoughts center around why I became a Mom at all, running away, and not liking my child all that much. Yeah, I know how that sounds. Believe me, I do. And I think if more women were honest they’d tell you that childbirth and all the changes that come with it combined with the lack of sleep can make for an unhappy time in what one would think would be a joyous one. Don’t even get me started on breastfeeding and how unnatural that feels for something that’s supposed to be so second nature.

First, it’s much easier (after 8 years of busting my ass consciously working on it) to implement self care when you’re unattached (ie: no kids). But with an infant as a first time Mom, in the middle of a move from a house I spent 10 years in, and still seeing clients AND most importantly being aware of every aspect of my childhood now that I am a Mom.......well let’s just say my self care routine these days is an ebb and flow of determination, faking it and winning by the end of each day most days, and grasping at anything and everything to keep my head above water. The term postpartum depression is being thrown at me a lot these days. I am so aware of my thoughts and old patterns as well as old family patterns, though, that it’s not easy for me to admit it could be that because I know what goes on in my head and it sounds too familiar. Because of some other symptoms I’m experiencing I will be getting my hormone levels checked this week to see if that has anything to do with it.

The first couple months after my son was born the anxiety I was no longer used to experiencing came back with brute force. It kicked me up, down, and sideways and I spent those months holed up in my bedroom with my son skinto skin most of the time. I thrived only from episodes of singing lullabies, cuddling him, telling him stories, and sleeping every chance my body and mind allowed. I really took care of myself, or rather, allowed myself to be taken care of during that time by family and my husband, my rock. That’s the first time I really accepted help on a personal level and it was HUGE. Like I said, not just a few weeks, but literally the first 8 weeks. 

I’m sharing all this with you because I don’t have tips this month. It wouldn’t feel authentic. And I’m not going to feed you lists of bullshit. If you take anything from this reading, I hope that it’s this: Taking care of yourself can take many forms besides nutrition and exercise (even though they are HUGE components). Being aware of your thoughts and recognizing you are in charge of them is a big one, but so is accepting help when you need/want it. Also, and this is huge, pushing yourself is not the same as challenging yourself. I see other Health coaches all the time who state things like “are you going to make excuses for not exercising just because you got up several times with your baby?” and “It’s only 30 minutes, so if you’re not exercising you’re just making excuses.” Wow! That’s terrible advice! For the person who really wants to get moving and feels good otherwise, this may be meant as motivation (though I think there are better ways to motivate), but to the person who is already struggling, adrenals are taxed, and they fall into the trap of beating themselves up, well, these kind of comments are just more of the same negative crap we’re working so hard to remove from our self talk. I certainly don’t want to hear more of that.

I will post again once I get my test results and continue lines of communication even if it’s not in the traditional way you’ve come to expect from my newsletters. For one, I feel better sharing my experience with you and for two, knowing that if it helps even one person than I’ve done what I set out to do in the first place.